Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Blue Diamond Jalapeño Smokehouse Almonds

I was surprised to learn, even after all these years, that I was a relatively naive flavored-almond lover. Sure, I'd sampled standard Smokehouse® almonds. You know the ones, coated with smoke-flavored powder, whose addictive properties are legendary.

So I was wholly unprepared for the extra taste sensation of Blue Diamond Jalapeño Smokehouse Almonds. OK, so they won't burn your tongue off. But they do have an extra kick that says, "Hey there, ready to have some fun in your mouth?" I exercised every bit of warranted restraint... I bought an entire case.

A "serving size" is apparently only an ounce -- the label says "about 28 nuts". Right. My grandmother can pound 28 nuts before she's done dealing her first hand of pinochle. Plan to eat the whole freaking 6-ounce can. Heed the warning on the label though: "Peanut free. May contain other tree nuts." Like, say, almonds?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Greenlee's Bakery Cinnamon Bread

There are very, very few words that can do justice to the horrificly addictive properties of the cinnamon bread from Greenlee's Bakery in San Jose, California. It's so potent, that Mrs. Wise Cracker has banned herself from buying it ever again! OK, make that until swimsuit season's over.

If you look closely at the photo (click the picture, I dare you!) you can see the veins of crack throughout the loaf. And I'm quite certain that the crack-infused glaze is just as deadly.

If you live in the area and can get it fresh and warm from their bakery, check the corners for undercover narcotics agents... they'll be watching. If not, score it online or from one of their local dealers. It's worth absolutely every minute on the treadmill!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Blackberry

Who would have thought in 1978 that if your calculator and your walkie talkie snuck off for a weekend of fun they'd breed this... The Blackberry -- a workaholic's dream!

It's known affectionately to some as the Crackberry, and for good reason. These suckers have done more to feed 21st-century communication addicts than any other technology since my grandmother finally figured out what email was. If you get the shakes when you're away from your computer, this might be just the drug you need.

Never had one myself, but I did pick up an imitator... a Windows Mobile-based smartphone. It's not without it's quirks, but addictive nonetheless. If you get one, take out extra insurance for your thumbs 'cause you may be tap-tapping away until nerve damage is imminent.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Chipotle Mexican Grill

It's hard to tell which of the menu items at Chipotle Mexican Grill are made with crack. The quesadillas are not, but the burritos definitely are. And the folks at the DEA should definitely check out the tortilla chips, as well as both the hot salsa and medium "green" salsa. Who knew you could get strung out on a condiment?

There's a been a bit of controversy, crack-wise, when it comes to Chipotle. It seems they received some training from majority stockholder McDonald's -- it was all a bit hush-hush. That's all in the past, but we know the folks at Mickey-D's could speak at length about getting their customers hooked on some fatty goodness... (Big Macs? French fries? McNuggets? Apple pies?) Clearly they must have passed on a few super-size strategies to the Chipotleans at some point!

So check your diet at the door and order up some barbacoa tacos or a chicken burrito. You'll be back for more. And tell the spicy salsa I said, "Hi!"

Friday, March 16, 2007

Girl Scouts Thin Mints Cookies

With their saccharine "golly gee can you help us?" faces, who wouldn't want to buy cookies from harmless little girls? Or, as I now refer to them, crack dealers.

Experienced addicts know that we're talking about the Girl Scouts of the USA, the confectionery crime syndicate who's been stringing us out on their chocolate-mint wafer cookies for over 55 years. Deceptively named "Thin Mints", these things aren't just made with crack, they’re made with some sort of top secret, high-potency crack.

Opening a new box of Thin Mints (to me, a "crack pack") is both a thrilling and dangerous prospect. The only thing that keeps an entire box from evaporating before my eyes is that it contains two sealed plastic tubes of cookies. But as soon as you break the seal on one of those… *poof* …it's gone.

It’s not just that it's hard to stop eating these things. Once they're gone, withdrawal symptoms start to set in. Where will the next fix come from? Fortunately, I keep a spare box in the freezer… frozen crack is awesome!

For alternate reading, I recommend A Tale of Chocolate Addiction and its Tiny Peddlers.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Tim's Cascade Style Jalapeño Potato Chips

It's funny... I don't even like potato chips all that much, unless they've got some kick-butt flavor. And if there's one thing the flavor in these thick and crunchy Tim's Jalapeño Potato Chips can do, it's kick your butt.

Sure, your lips are on fire, but would you have it any other way? These damned things are so good you'd swear the nutritional panel on that large 20 oz. bag said "Serving Size: 'Til You Run Out".

Sadly, the Tim's brand seems to only be available on the west coast (USA) so far.